The Parlotones: Radio Controlled Robots

I mentioned in "A sick state" that I will be doing a post on one of the biggest names in SA music at the moment, The Parlotones. Having taken the country (and world) by storm since their formation in 1998, the “biggest rock band in SA” has fallen under my magnifying glass and I will report my findings here.

From the word go I want to ensure that there are no misunderstandings with regards to this post. I despise The Parlotones, and let us be honest, you can hardly call the sounds emitted by this megaphone yielding group as “rock”. ‘So why then do a post on them?’ you may ask. The method behind my madness is this: The Parlotones enjoy the acclaim they have purely because of their excellent, never failing, can’t-put-a-foot-wrong marketing and public relations team at Sovereign Entertainment and not, by any stretch of the imagination, because of their music. And from there my gripe with them has its roots...

 

Kahn Morbee and the omnipresent Megaphone

Being the music lover that I am, I often find myself in conversations where I need to defend my stance on a band or artist. I’m a devoted follower of the “to each their own” mindset and I often say “...you don’t have to like it to know that it’s good...” That is how I justify the existence of someone like Mariah Carey or Josh Groban. Personally not my cup of tea, but one simply can’t ignore their total dominance over the human voice. And thus, my point: "You don’t have to like it to know that it’s good.” However, for The Parlotones, that hardly rings true. Solely in terms of the music, The Parlotones have nothing new to offer. Their albums and singles are all regurgitated candyfloss, each one sounding like the next (or previous, for that matter). Kahn Morbee’s vocal skills are no better than that of your average high-school music teacher, and with no extraordinary ability shining through on any of the instruments, as a whole The Parlotones should be relegated to background music in restaurants and elevators. Allow me to justify...

“I could do that” is a common phrase guitarists use when comparing their own skills with other musicians. Lord knows I’ve done the same. It’s just human nature. To me, an artist who earns a living from making music should have a skill-set that has been honed by experience and practice - just like a professional athlete. I believe the cream of the crop should be rewarded – not the plebs who bring up the rear.

As mentioned in A sick state and my post on Afrikaans Music I believe we, the South African music consumer, have fallen into the trap of rewarding mediocrity. Perhaps you will find fault, but to me, good music has to be just that – good! Is originality, creativity and skill not the measure of a good musician? When I think of “good” music bands and artists like Elvis Presley, Led Zeppelin, Metallica and even Koos Kombuis or Michael Jackson spring to mind. Not necessarily because of their virtuosity, but because they pioneered in their respective genres. And yes, there are many other artists in those genres that can be deemed good or even great, but the defining factor is that those artists have talent or skill down to their toes. And this is where The Parlotones lack. 

Unifom(ity) ?

The Parlotones are not by a long shot the best South Africa has to offer. In fact they are purely a gimmick-band – (think Bloodhound Gang or Primus). The band members wear the same thing all the time, their “logo” is plastered everywhere and on everything... They rely very heavily on visual imagery to distract the audience from the music. The average consumer in SA will not purchase a CD solely on the artists’ credibility, but factors like familiarity and social (un)acceptability play huge roles. That is not a crime in itself, it is however sacrilegious to pay for music solely because of the way the artist(s) look, or because they sing in a specific language.

Spot the Megaphone

Supergra / Parlotones branded sneaker

I have once again strayed off topic. Kahn, and his gang of identically dressed puppets are not the greatest musicians, I believe I’ve said enough on that subject. What they are incredibly good at, however, is generating hype. There is not a gig guide on any radio station or in any magazine that does not feature The Parlotones’ gigs. They are always in the news, active on Facebook and Twitter, have a website that is up-to-the-minute, their faces are splashed on magazine programs like Top Billing and Pasella and no one can fault them for that. I must express that this is not a function of the band though. This is all thanks to (what I am sure is) a huge posse of PR people that run The Parlotones as a business. Think about it this way. If you have a new product or company, would you not crave the exposure they enjoy? I mean it’s not every day that your product is featured on the side of a KFC box.

Parlotones KFC Snackbox

Look, you need to understand that I’m not bitching about the amount of success that The Parlotones enjoy. In fact, the more exposure they get, both locally and overseas, will benefit the other local bands in the long run. Promoting the fact that South Africa is alive and rocking outside of our shores will generate interest and exposure for the local scene. This will, in turn, encourage more and more investment from the huge mecca’s that are the States and the UK. Which means local talent will be able to enjoy the benefits of a healthy industry - more music related jobs, more gigs at more diverse venue’s, more opportunities for up-and-comers and better job security for industry professionals. What I am bitching about is this: The Parlotones are presenting a sub-par musical product. Getting to the top by riding the coattails of a brilliant PR firm and not by merit of the music, creates the impression that SA music is all ‘marshmallowy’ – soft and fluffy with little substance. It’s a sad case – there are many, many artists and bands out there that can spew forth the drivel that The Parlotones present as chart topping ‘rock’ whilst being in a semi-comatose state.

There is a simple equation when it comes to success in the music industry: 1 equal part talent + 1 equal part good PR = SUCCESS. However, the talent of the artist and Public Relations are directly proportionate to each other. So, the less talent you possess, the more ass-kissing becomes necessary and vice versa.

My advice is this: if you want to rule the world, get good on your guitar – like, Malmsteen or Satriani good, and get someone like Sovereign Entertainment to promote your band. Your earnings from public appearances, gigs, album sales and merchandise will quickly accumulate and your band will soon have a GDP larger than most 3rd world countries.

\m/